Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving & Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary is a great read for anyone who feels they may be dealing with a narcissist in their life. Behary provides concrete advice on how to navigate a strained relationship with a narcissist.
Pairs With: Chocolate birthday cake – because some of us just need attention!
OVERVIEW
If you’re not sure if the difficult person in your life is a narcissist, Behary provides a quiz to help.
Narcissists are best known for being entitled, highly competitive, self-centered people who lack empathy. They can be incredibly difficult to deal with and interactions with them will most likely leave you feeling bad about yourself. This person may make you feel alone, incompetent or like you’re the problem.
Wendy Behary explains how and why people are narcissists to help you understand them more. Contrary to most advice on dealing with narcissists, Behary doesn’t believe all narcissists are helpless and that torn relationships with a narcissist should be abandoned. Instead, she explains that people become narcissists because of poor attachment with their parents as children. She also explains each of us is triggered differently by a narcissist based on our own childhood memories.
SCHEMES
Behary provides 8 schemes associated with narcissism to help the reader understand more about narcissists and 8 schemes that are triggered by narcissism to help the reader understand why they may be angered by a narcissist.
Schemes ASSOCIATED with Narcissism:
- Emotional Deprivation – no one will ever meet their needs
- Mistrust/Abuse – people are nice because they want something
- Defectiveness/Shame – unaware but feels unloved at the core
- Subjugation – need to control and avoid being controlled
- Unrelenting Standards – must do things perfectly to mask feelings of inadequacy
- Entitlement – rules do not apply to them
- Insufficient Self-Control – wants what he/she wants, no discomfort
- Approval Seeking – constant need for recognition
Schemes TRIGGERED by Narcissism:
- Self-Sacrifice – feels guilty/unworthy asking for help
- Subjugation – finds it hard to be assertive
- Abandonment – fearful of being rejected
- Defectiveness/Shame – feels inadequate/undesirable
- Emotional Inhibition – stoic, keeps feelings inside
- Emotional Deprivation – doesn’t believe someone will meet emotional needs
- Mistrust/Abuse – give into abuse, they are use to it
- Unrelenting Standards – tries hard to be perfect
Once you understand why you are triggered by a narcissist and what scheme/s the narcissist has – you can work on having, what Behary calls, Empathetic Confrontation with the narcissist.
First, you remind yourself that a narcissist is a mistreated child that needs to be reparented and taught. Then you make sure to use empathy and the understanding of their schemes when confronting the narcissist and explaining how you feel mistreated.
However, there is one type of narcissist that Behary says this technique will not work on and it’s safest for you to get away from that person. She calls them Perilous Narcissists. If your narcissist is extremely violent and abusive it is best to get away from them instead of trying to confront them.
CONCLUSION
If you think you may be dealing with a narcissist in your life, don’t try to push through your inactions without help. This book can be a great resource to get you brainstorming on how to proceed with the difficult person.
I’d love to know, how have you dealt with narcissists in the past? I left my job because my manager was one and I didn’t know how to handle her. I felt it was best if I just got away from her. And tbh, I’ve been happier making $0 and having a traumatic brain injury than I was working with her. Narcissists can really make your life hell.
P.S. Surprisingly, another book that helps when dealing with Narcissist is Stillness is the Key by Ryan Holiday. Taking a moment to breathe and responding slowly is sometimes the best route.
